Prelude: Never Let your Fear Decide your Fate

Hi Everyone, 

You are all people that are part of my life that I love and care about…and I know care about me too. I am a very lucky girl to have so many friends and family. I have some news to tell you all, and I thought that this would be the best way to do that. 

A month ago I went to the doctor to check out a bump on my left clavicle. I thought it was nothing really. I had woken up funny a week prior and thought I had just pulled a muscle or something. After it didn't go away I wanted to get it checked out. The x-ray showed that it was “white tissue” – which had my doctor’s face drop and instantly I was worried. Of course, than he turned to me and said “Don’t worry………yet. It could be an infection or something else….”I was thinking “something other than what?! – The “C” word ?!?!... No, no way –not me.

So I had a neck CT the following week. Two days later, one day before I was supposed to go to Cancun for vacation, I got a call from Kaiser. ‘Barbara, you have a growth from your left lymph node in your neck down to the chest area’. Needless to say the doctor insisted I cancel my travels, and 2 days later I had a second CT of my chest.  A few days after that, I went to the chest surgeon who brought up my scans. The surgeon told me he wouldn't be my doctor moving forward (no surgery needed), but he will give me the preliminary results from my scans. “See….here….and then here and here” He says to me as he is scrolling through the CT scans that are impossible for a normal human being to read. He was showing me 3 places where I had swollen lymph nodes: 1 on my neck and 2 by my thymus gland (chest). “Basically you have Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Probably Stage 1 or 2 but the biopsy and PET scan will tell you for sure”.

And that was that….I was just told that I have cancer. Crap!

That Friday, on 10/26/2012, I had my lymph node biopsy. A week later, 11/2/2012 the final results came in that I have Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma– (Diffuse Large B Cell w/ features compatible with Primary Mediastinal). So the doc was incorrect about Hodgkin’s vs. Non-Hodgkins….but he wasn't mistaken about ‘cancer’. Ugh!

I received my pathology report today from my doctor….which lists out all the different findings from the biopsy stain tests. I can just imagine a row of petri dishes with my tissue swimming around inside of each of them and the pathologist looking through a microscope to see my fate. Double Ugh!

So…my first appointment with Oncology is tomorrow morning, which I am taking as my ‘Orientation to Cancer’ day, sounds pretty exciting, huh?! *shaking my head in disbelief* In all seriousness, I will learn a lot tomorrow, and much more moving forward. I do know that I will be getting a PET scan sometime soon to determine the stage of lymphoma cancer, and more likely than not I will be getting a bone marrow biopsy to determine whether it has reached the bones. (crossing my fingers that is not the case).

I have done a lot of researching and this is what I have found consistent from many web-sites in regards to my diagnosis thus far:

Diffuse Large B Cell :
· Diffuse large B-cell lymphoma is a lymphoma of B-cells (Duh!)
· It is the most common type of non-Hodgkin lymphoma among adults
· It is an aggressive lymphoma, meaning the lymphoma grows quickly, and can spread fast to different parts of the body (this is scary!)
· However, high grade lymphomas are also more likely to be cured with treatment (this is good!)
· B cells: B cells fight infection by producing antibodies that neutralize foreign invaders. Most non-Hodgkin's lymphoma arises from B cells. Subtypes of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma that involve B cells include diffuse large B-cell lymphoma
· Causes: exact cause of Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma is still unknown (awesome news!#$%!)

Mediastinal: (remember I have “compatible with Primary Mediastinal”)
· Mediastinal large B-cell lymphoma is a rare type of diffuse large B-cell lymphoma
· It begins in the thymus gland (middle of chest)
· This lymphoma usually affects younger people aged 25-40, and is more common in women than in men (ah-ha!)
· Causes: The causes of mediastinal large B-cell lymphoma are unknown (Barg!)
· It is not infectious and cannot be passed on to other people

Symptoms I have:
· Cough (check!)
· Pain in chest (check!)…due to swelling of the thymus gland and lymph nodes in the mediastinum
· Fatigue (check!)

Symptoms I have not had:
· Flu (nope!)
· Drenching night sweats (not drenching sweats…)
· Weight loss (not dramatic)

So…in the very near future my life will change dramatically…things will be different, and I will be learning A LOT. What I expect is chemotherapy and/or radiation treatments for the next 4-7 months. I will lose my hair–which I am freakin’ out over almost as much as being told I have cancer. So, hats and scarfs are my Christmas list wish, hint hint ;) The good news is, I hear I will also lose my armpit hair and leg hair…I don’t mind that so much. I will work part-time, or as much as I can. I will keep my blog up, for all my family and friends. I will read the bible cover to cover, a long over-due goal I have had. I will live at my brother and Candice’s house in Fontana, well “Rancho-Fontana” :) . I will have my dogs with me, yay! I will be with my lovely nephew Dylan, which will be the best medicine. I will have my parents keeping up my house. And most of all, I will fight this!

So, now that this is all written out, said, and done. I want you all to know that I love and care about each and every one of you. I have decided to first write this note, so that everyone is informed. I also decided to create a blog so that my cancer-status-updates-questions-concerns-thoughts-prayers-venting sessions-pictures-and more can be posted through the website - this will be the first post. This is in attempts to not have all my personal-medical junk blasted on Facebook. I don’t need the ‘Facebook world’, knowing and questioning something so personal. If you have a question, anything at all…feel free to send it to 1) the blog, 2) my email: barbara_bee@hotmail.com, or 3) a MESSAGE through Facebook. I will reply when I am ready.

Here is the link to my site; I will do my best to keep it up. It will allow everyone to have a way to contact me, and I am sure it will be therapeutic for me in ways as well.

http://bjbeestrong.blogspot.com/

This is all new, very scary, and emotionally overwhelming for me. However, I am keeping as strong and as positive as humanly possible. I will not allow this cancer to define me…it is only a chapter in The Book of Bee. I will look this fear straight in its eyes, fight it tooth and nail, and I will not let it decide my fate. 

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!
~Dr. Seuss


With Love,

Barbara Bee