The Eye of the Tornado

So it has been a few days since I wrote, so time for an update! This week has been full of anticipation – with some ups and some downs. I definitely feel the fear of starting something so foreign, so incomprehensible to me. At the moment my emotions are twisting like a tornado…all around me things feel chaotic, my life is being uprooted and out of control, but in the center of all this there is some calm…there is the eye of the tornado. I have a sense of peace, a sense of control, a sense of understanding. Hard to explain, however it is the confidence that I will overcome this.

I went to my Chemo 101 class last night. I had great support from my family: David, Candice, DYLAN!, mom and dad. I was really happy that David and Candice were there because it explained all my possible symptoms, what to eat and not eat, and basically all that is to be expected. I did well and took a lot of notes during the class…yet I did breakdown for a few minutes when they talked about losing my hair. Ugh! My hair has finally getting long again, and it is really pretty – I must say, hehe. I have been having so many ‘good hair days’ lately, and now I am going to lose it. I really just hate that part. In my mind, I am a bratty toddler, stomping my feet, whining “no…no…NO!” I really don’t want this part to happen, but I’m gonna have to get over it. Hopefully once I go wig shopping I will find some that I just adore and can have fun with. Have to make the best of all of it – so that is the plan.

Some ups this week?! I completed the MUGA scan and my heart IS A pumpin’ great! So although there is pressure there from my stubborn lymph nodes it is not in the way of my heart doing its job. I had my PET scan and will have results next week; this will give me my staging. Hopefully I am Stage I or II…the doc thinks Stage II, soon I will know for sure. Sneeky me, looked at the monitor before I left the PET scan portable and I saw glowing at my neck (expected) and’ down below’ (not expected). Of course, I Google – and I found out that the glowing doesn’t always mean you have cancer in those spots – whew! The glowing shows movement, and the movement is rated. The rating tells you if it is cancer movement or just other movement. Cancer cells move so you will see glowing there, but other parts move too – like intestines, so I am hopeful that the ‘down below’ glow was just digestion. All the glowy parts will be rated and that will determine where the cancer lives and also will determine my final staging. We shall see.

I got my results back from the brutal bone marrow biopsy…and…(drum roll please)…bones are NEGATIVE for lymphoma. Yippee!!!! I was so so pleased, and so relieved. Finally, some good news for a change. I like this.

I found out that after my first treatment, my cough will go away, my enlarged lymph node on my neck will no longer be enlarged, and the pressure I feel in my chest will go away as well. That is exciting. I am so over this cough and the pressure is bothersome, so I am anxious. The nurse did say that I may have an adverse reaction to the chemo around the chest area however. Since they are all clustered there, and the chemo is fighting them off – they will start to break and move and it may cause a bad reaction. She said to be aware, it may happen…but it may not. I will see Monday morning.

Of course the chemo will make me feel ill and nauseated and I will have to track my symptoms to 1) know if they are real bad and have to go to the hospital and 2) figure out what days will be my “good days” and bad days”. I am sure this blog will help document all that, but also I have a notebook of running notes. I did find out that day 7-14 after each treatment, will more than likely be the worst days for fatigue. The White Blood Cells (WBCs) are affected from the chemo and will drop significantly during these days. WBCs redevelop every 24-48 hours, so the body knows to grow these healthy cells back but it has to play catch up. Eventually, the cancer cells get “smart” to the chemo treatments – and this is why (I assume) at the middle of all these treatments it gets a little more rough then the first few rounds. They try to fight back. Knowledge is power, so I am going to try and remember all this when it gets harder than hard – and know that I just need to push back, stand tall, and drop kick the cancer right to the face.

That’s enough for now. Till the next time.

xoxo